Who are we? What defines our identity? Are we the entity sitting behind our eyes or the one inside our skin? And what if we consider our identity extending outwards to include things we own, family and friends, and our beliefs?
I remember a heated argument I witnessed some time back between a couple of friends about a relatively simple topic: the definition of success. It seems innocent at the surface, but how you define the term can be contradictory, and as a result, deep, personal beliefs were challenged during the debate. Initially, I couldn’t understand why my friends became so heated about the subject. They were only exchanging personal opinions about an abstract topic that could have an unlimited number of definitions, depending on who you asked.
Then I got it: beliefs and ideas are an integral part of our extended selves. Our ideas become so entangled with who we are that trying to discard those ideas is like trying to dislodge some vital parts of ourselves.
Let’s use this framework of extended personal identity for this conversation: our identity isn’t a single, fixed thing, but it’s rather a layered, extended entity we create throughout our lives with our thoughts, relationships, beliefs, and ideas. All these layers are held together by the glue of emotions, which expand our entity and make things become a part of who we are.
In this article, we’ll explore these layers, how emotions shape them, and how understanding this framework can help us reflect, connect, and grow.
What Are the Layers of Identity
Although our extended identity exists more like a continuum, for simplicity of analysis, let’s create four distinct categories.
The first two are the inner layers, the foundation of our identity, things that we all acknowledge as part of our identity without question. The next two are the outer layers, shaped by external influences and emotional influences. They can be gained, changed, or lost, which makes them more fluid compared to the inner layers.
- Core Self (Inner Awareness)
- This is our innermost layer, the pure sense of awareness. It’s the “you” sitting behind your eyes, the observer that experiences the world, emotions, and thoughts.
- Quick Insight: The core self is the foundation of our identity, where we experience emotions, interpret the world, and form our inner sense of self.
- Body (Physical Self)
- The body is the extended version of our core self, the vessel that interacts with the world. Our skin is the clear delimitation between the “inside and outside.”
- Quick Insight: The body often connects to identity through self-image and physical experiences, such as pleasure, pain, and how we perceive ourselves in relation to others.
- The Extended Self
- This layer extends out from our physical self and includes our relationships, belongings, and communities. These are the things and people we emotionally connect to, expanding our sense of self beyond our skin.
- Quick Insight: The extended self consists of our emotional ties with people, possessions, and communities. A beloved pet, a cherished family heirloom, or a close friend all live in this layer. Losing them can feel like losing a part of ourselves.
- Thoughts and Belief Systems
- Our ideas and values form the mental constructs that guide our decisions and shape how we see the world. If our body is the hardware, these elements are the “software” running our identity.
- Quick Insight: Beliefs are fiercely defended because they feel like part of who we are.
The Role of Emotions
We build our extended reality when we become emotionally involved with things we interact with. Whether it’s our pets, friends, or co-workers, a certain level of positive emotion is required to start this process. And the longer and more intense the emotional investment is, the stronger our attachment to that person, object, or idea.
Here are some examples of how emotional connections shape our extended self:
- Inanimate Objects: Certain possessions, such as a family heirloom, a first car, or even a favorite piece of clothing, can hold deep sentimental value, reminding us of cherished memories or important life stages.
- Pets: Emotional bonds with pets are so strong that they are often considered family members. The loss of a pet can feel similar to losing a loved one.
- Sense of Identity: People often identify strongly with cultural or religious beliefs, which represent their values. When these beliefs are questioned, it can feel as if their own identity is under attack.
- Workplace Attachment: A project that someone has dedicated time and effort to becomes an extension of their identity. Receiving critical feedback can feel like an evaluation of their worth, not just their work.
- Creative Work: Artists and writers often tie their self-worth to their creations. For example, a painter may feel personally criticized if their work is not well received, as it represents their vision and effort.
- Hobbies and Passions: A musician may see their instrument as an extension of themselves, feeling a deep personal connection, whereas someone else might see it as just another object.
The Bubble of Individuality
Imagine our extended identity as a bubble that we build around ourselves. This bubble contains our emotional connections to objects, people, and ideas. It defines our sense of self and filters our experiences. Inside this bubble, we create our entire subjective world, filled with meaning, values, and experiences.
Several key factors shape the evolution of our individual bubbles:
- Overlapping Bubbles: When our bubbles overlap with others, we find commonalities. These overlaps can be broad, like sharing a national identity or being fans of the same sports team, or narrow, like sharing the same friends or interests over the same hobby. The more overlap we have with others, the stronger the sense of connection and belonging.
- Personalized Filters: Our emotional involvement functions like an electrical charge, selectively allowing inside the bubble elements that align with our values and repelling those that no longer hold meaning. Over time, relationships, beliefs, or interests that once felt essential may gradually fade away when the emotional connection diminishes.
- Fragility and Defense: Threats to the bubble’s contents – whether a belief, a relationship, or a possession – feel like threats to our very selves. This explains why people react defensively when their views, attachments, or identity are challenged.
- Expansion and Contraction: Our bubbles expand with new experiences – like moving to a new city, starting a job, or adopting a new hobby – and shrink when emotional connections fade, such as drifting friendships, changing careers, or loss of cultural or community ties.
Practical Uses of the Framework
Applying this framework to your daily life can lead to greater self-awareness, Here are some practical ways to make the most of it:
- Be Aware When Others Defend Their Point of View: People protect their ideas, beliefs, and possessions as part of their identity. Recognizing this helps you navigate discussions with empathy and avoid unnecessary conflict.
- Understand before you challenge!
- Be Aware of Who You Allow Inside Your Bubble: The people, beliefs, and objects in your bubble shape your identity. Assess them regularly to ensure they align with your values and goals.
- Be mindful of who enters your bubble!
- Setting Boundaries: Not everything deserves a place inside your bubble. Learning to say no to toxic influences or distractions helps maintain a healthy sense of self.
- Safeguard your bubble!
- Letting Go of Emotional Attachments: Knowing when to release possessions, relationships, or beliefs that no longer serve you opens the door to new opportunities.
- Understanding Yourself Better: Take an inventory of what’s inside your bubble, and make sure its contents align with who you want to be.
- Know what truly matters!
- Expanding Your Bubble: Be intentional in how you grow, and don’t allow outside influence to have a say in the direction of your growth. Cultivate your immaculate thoughts, avoid dogma, and invest positive emotional energy toward your goals.
Our identity is more than just who we think we are; it’s a dynamic blend of our core self, relationships, beliefs, and possessions. Each layer contributes to our sense of self, influenced by emotional connections that shape our interactions and decisions.
Recognizing how these layers interact with each other allows us to understand ourselves better, make better choices, and expand our perspective.
The key question isn’t just who you are, but what’s inside your bubble – and is it serving the life you want to create?